Color Me Not Interested

Awareness.  I’m over it.

I blame Tim Robbins for the impetus of the whole awareness phenomenon with his save-the-HIV infected-whales-in-Haiti ribbon or whatever it was on the Oscars back in the 90s. Since then, we’ve been assaulted by a barrage of two-inch snippets of looped ribbon in support of…well…everything.

The media-steamroller that is breast cancer has coated the entire planet in pink. I like pink, it’s a nice, girly color, but do I need a pink iron? No, no I do not. I mean, what’s the point of that? What am I doing? Starching collars for the cure? What if, just for the sake of argument, the businesses donating a portion of their insert-pink-item-here sales to BC research, etc., just donated a portion of their TOTAL sales of regular old white blow dryers and mixers?  I mean, if it’s such a big deal to support BC why not take the money you spend on pink chemicals (which are probably carcinogens anyway) and donate it to the BC cause?

And save your “How dare you make fun of breast cancer!” outcries.  I have friends with BC.  I’m not insensitive to the disease. But is breast cancer awareness really an issue anymore?  I think we’re all pretty freaking aware by now.

BC did well, though, grabbing pink, because girls like pink, and girls have boobies, and boobies are pink, at least in places, so… On the flip side, not so sure I would have gone with brown for colon/colo-rectal cancer even though it makes sense. Brown?  Really?  You’re just opening yourself asking to be ridiculed.

But what if you’re late to the awareness party and get stuck with something non-descript like, say, puce? (Aside: Just for kicks, I Googled “puce ribbon” and, wonder of wonders, there’s a cause to match it. Internet piracy awareness. For the love of…)

Autism can’t pick a lane—is it a ribbon or a puzzle piece or a ribbon made of puzzle pieces?  Diabetes can’t either. Depending on whom you ask, we’re red or we’re gray.  Personally, I prefer gray because it better represents a dried up pancreas. And red is taken, hello?

Which brings me to my next point. Apparently, despite an infinite spectrum of shades, we’ve run out of colors, and now have to share. What’s that about?  It’s no longer about merely signifying your devotion to a particular cause, but now I also have to guess what it is?

Take purple for instance. Alzheimer’s, domestic violence, animal abuse, or pancreatic cancer?  I’m loath to ask. What if it’s domestic violence?  Who wants to have that conversation by the water cooler? Or the cancer that killed Patrick Swayze? (Nobody puts my pancreas in a corner!) Then you have to come up with some kind of placation about fighting and being strong (I’m soooo looking at you, too, Lance. This whole thing is LARGELY your fault.) blah, blah.  Animal abuse opens up a whole can of pet-loving worms in which I am definitely not interested.  Best-case scenario, I suppose, would be my asking you what your pin means, and your saying, “I forgot.”

And let’s not neglect to address being made to feel like inch-high-private-eye if you don’t flaunt your allegiance to a cause. I’m bettering mankind by supporting banana literacy in Tibet.  What do you support?

Me?  I support naps, carbonated beverages, and ice cream. I support the concept of a football team with a defense and an offense. I support staying home when you’re sick and not coughing or sneezing your infectious filth all over my desk.  And I am staunchly in support of Law & Order marathons.

Awareness is getting out of hand. I’m surprised no one has promoted awareness awareness.  Me, I’m a big fan of obliviousness. Which is why I wear my big, shiny, invisible OA pin every day.